And now, without further ado, The Little Mermaid!
Some Ocean that mysteriously seems to have both fresh and salt water.
Sailors: We’re letting you know where this story stands by singing a song about the ocean.
Prince Eric: I love the ocean! Since I’m not doing anything useful on the boat, this is the way I let you know I’m a sailor.
Stereotypical Old/Short/Grumpy Sailor: We don’t seem to have any bad weather, King Triton must be in a good mood.
Prince Eric: Who the hell is King Triton?
Another SOSGS: Are you sure you’re supposed to be here? Everyone knows King Triton is the king of the merpeople.
Grimsby: Pft. Merpeople, I don’t think they exist.
ASOSGS: Don’t be silly. This fish I’m slapping you with says otherwise.
*He hits him with a very generic looking fish. The fish jumps out of his hand into the ocean.*
Fish: It’s true, dude. Ta!
*Now we see the old sailor was right, as we’ve suspected all along. Lots of merpeople who all seem very...Californian...swim by and take their seats in some sort of concert hall. A tiny seahorse in a very large ruff announces King Triton who enters in a chariot pulled by three dolphins. Then Something Something Something Something Sebastian is announced. He is apparently the court composer.*
King Triton: This better be good. I stopped sitting around in my throne room doing nothing for this.
Sebastian: It will be da best. Your daughters are so talented.
King Triton: Especially Ariel. She’s the best.
*Sebastian begins conducting the orchestra, unaware that music and water don’t really go together very well. A bunch of mermaids come out of giant clam shells and start singing.*
Daughters of Triton: We’re the daughters of Triton. Our names all start with A. Here, for the first time EVER, is the seventh sister, the one we all know is Daddy’s favorite, Ariel!
*The other clam opens. No one is there. **Le Gasp!***
King Triton: WHERE IS SHE? And Sebastian, that song sucked. Why do I pay you again?
Sebastian: I don’t tink you do, sire.
*Cut to Ariel. She is looking at a ship that has obviously been down a long, long time.*
Ariel: Look Flounder!
Flounder: I don’t think we should....it’s so scary!
Ariel: Why don’t I have any normal friends? I mean, I get that I’m weird but you’d think I could find SOMEONE who isn’t a pansy little fat fish.
Flounder: HEY! *pause* That’s fair.
Ariel: Now come on. I have *all day* to explore this beautiful disaster!
Flounder: I think I’ll stay out here.
Ariel: Fine, wuss. Watch out for sharks!
*She goes into the boat through a porthole. Freaked out Flounder tries to follow. He’s too fat.*
Flounder: HELP! I’m too fat!
Ariel: Shesh...
*She pulls him out. He sees a dead body and manages to wreak havoc as if the whole sunken ship was set up as some sort of elaborate Rube Goldberg machine designed to attract the attention of everything for miles.*
Ariel: Stop being a wimp, Flounder. It’s just one dead body. You’d think there’d be more of them...oh well. Look at that!
*Ariel points to a pristine fork, shining and silver and on display as if it was the crowned jewels. Even the light plays along.*
Flounder: Wow, metal that doesn’t rust! We’ll be rich!
Ariel: No, silly, it’s going in my hoarder cave!
Flounder: Oh...
*Ariel picks up a pipe. A shark chases them. They defeat the shark, naturally. They break for the surface where a feeble-minded seagull/albatross hybrid waits for them.*
Ariel: Scuttle, we found stuff! Tell me what it is so I don’t embarrass myself in the future.
Scuttle: Well this pointy thing, it’s real special. It’s a dinglehopper! Humans comb their hair with it. And this one is a musical instrument dating back from prehistorical times, the wonderful snarfblat!
Ariel: Where do you come up with this stuff? Are you just pulling it out of your butt or do you actually believe any of this?
Flounder: Maybe he’s senile.
Ariel: Senile! Daddy! The concert!
*She swims away. We see two eels with shiny eyes. That seems ominous, oh look, Ursula, the Sea B--witch, the Drag Queen of the Deep.*
Ursula: Stupid Princess...I used to live at the palace. We’re never going to go into why, so just forget about it. What’s really important is I’m wasting away...practically starving. I only have three folds of back fat and I seem to be missing a tentacle.
Flotsam/Jetsam: We noticed that.
Urusula: Shut up. Just go stalk that whiny little red head. She won’t notice two creepy eels following her.
*Back to the palace. Big empty throne room seems to be the location of choice for punishment.*
King Triton: I just...I don’t know how to punish you. You’re my favorite after all.
*Never mind*
Ariel: I’m sorry Daddy...I forgot.
Sebastian: She made me de laughing stock of de ocean!
Flounder: (under his breath) You didn’t need any help with that.
Sebastian: Ariel is responsible!
Flounder: It wasn’t even her fault. A shark chased us! And then this weird seagull...
King Triton: Seagull? What have I told you about going to the surface?
Ariel: Don’t do it?
King Triton: All those humans want to do is eat fish! You’re half fish! Naturally you’re a very desirable commodity up there.
Ariel: Um...okay? Haven’t you noticed we’re half human too? And if we don’t eat fish, what do we eat? You can’t get as fat as Ursula on seaweed.
King Triton: Don’t think about it too much. And don’t mess around with those humans!
Ariel: Daddy! I’m sixteen! I can make my own decisions.
King Triton: You’re sixteen? Should I be worried all six of your older sisters are still living at home? Never mind, as long as you live in my ocean, you do what I tell you!
Ariel: But Daddy!
*She swims away in a huff.*
Sebastian: Dose teenagers are so...annoying! Dey need babysitters.
King Triton: What do I pay you for again?
Sebastian: Writing bad music?
King Triton: Why don’t you add babysitter to that list.
*Cut to Sebastian grumbling, following Ariel and Flounder who look suspicious.*
Sebastian: Where are dey going? I must follow.
*Ariel, Flounder and Sebastian enter Ariel’s hoarder cave.*
Flounder: Do you keep EVERYTHING?
Ariel: Everything is so...shiny! How can I throw any away?
Flounder: Do you really need 20 thingamabobs? You’re not even sure what they do!
Ariel: I NEED EVERYTHING! DON’T QUESTION MY SANITY!
Flounder: Okay, okay.
Ariel: I just want to be a person, okay? Look, they have all these cool things. See, the book pages turn underwater! And I know what feet and streets and fire are even though my only informant into the ways of the humans is a senile seagull.
Flounder: I believe it.
Ariel: Anyway, everything is happy up there. If I lived up there I wouldn’t be punished by my father for watching humans!
Flounder: Um...
Sebastian: What de hell is dis?
Ariel: Sebastian! What are you doing here?
Sebastian: Apparently I’ve been demoted.
Flounder: About time...
*A shadow passes overhead.*
Ariel: OOOOO! What was that?
*She swims away and Sebastian and Flounder follow. They see a ship.*
Ariel: These things float? Who knew?
*The sailors onboard are partying. Fireworks go off but for some reason Ariel isn’t startled by the really loud noises.*
Sailors: Is this a themed party or something? Why are we all dressed like douchebag pirate gondoliers?
Grimsby: We wanted you to look good for the group photo.
Eric: I’m just here, celebrating my birthday (how old am I anyway? I guess it’s better we don’t say because we know Ariel is only 16 and that could get real creepy real fast) with my dog, a grumpy old man, and a ton of nameless sailors dressed like douchebag pirate gondoliers. I must not have any friends.
*A wild Scuttle appears.*
Ariel: Look, isn’t that dude dreamy? I don’t even mind his lack of a tail.
Scuttle: You mean that big hairy thing?
Ariel: No, that’s a dog. Do you even know what a human is? How could you answer my human questions accurately if you can’t tell the difference between a hot man and an old English sheepdog?
Scuttle: Beats me.
Ariel: Anyway, I meant the one playing the snarfblat.
~Nell: But wait, none of them are holding pipes. And the only one who ever seems to smoke is Grimsby. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS LINE?!
Grimsby: Eric, we got you a big, expensive present but didn’t feel like wrapping it attractively.
Eric: Wonderful, as a prince I like expensive presents.
Grimsby: Open it!
*Eric unwraps his present. It’s an ugly statue that looks nothing like him.
Eric: It’s...great.
Grimsby: Yes, I know. I wanted it to be a wedding present, though.
Eric: (evasively) I just haven’t found the right...girl yet.
Ariel: He’s single!!
Grimsby: You better get working on that...the kingdom has an unhealthy interest in your sex life.
*A storm starts up.*
Sailor: A hurricane!
Another Sailor: Who’s bright idea was it to have a birthday party on a boat in the middle of hurricane season?
*At the birthday party planning commission.*
Grimsby: I know! Let’s have the party on a boat with fireworks and dancing and COSTUMES!
Prissy Party Planner: That is hardly exciting enough for the Prince’s birthday.
Grimsby: His birthday is in the middle of hurricane season.
PPP: That’ll do.
*Back on the ship, the sailors seem to be losing the fight with nature.They look angrily at Grimsby.*
Sailor: Thanks dude, just...thanks.
Grimsby: What?
*There is lightning and a rock and everyone ends up in the ocean. Miraculously they have a lifeboat. Unfortunately the huge dog, Max, is stuck on the burning ship, too stupid to jump.*
Max: HELP ME! IT’S HOT!
Eric: Doggy!
*Eric goes to save the dog. Somehow the dog has climbed higher and must jump into Eric’s arms. Eric catches the dog without flinching, even though the dog easily weighs over 100 pounds.*
Eric: Be free, doggy!
*He throws Max into the ocean and the flaming mast (sounds like a gay bar) comes toppling down. The gunpowder/fireworks on the ship explode.*
Everyone: Don’t see how he’s getting out of THAT one alive.
Disney: Clearly you haven’t seen enough action films, six year old girls.
Ariel: Eric! You can’t die!
*She pulls him to shore.*
Ariel: Is he dead?
*Scuttle pokes Eric a bit and holds his foot up to his ear.*
Scuttle: Yeah, probably not. No heartbeat.
Ariel: Have you been reading weird medical textbooks or something? How does a bird even know what a heartbeat is? Anyway, he’s breathing.
Eric: GAH! You put me right in front of the sun. I’m blind!
Ariel: But you can still hear my beautiful voice!
Eric: This is true.
Grimsby: Eric! You’re alive! But you’ve lost your boots. The outfit just isn’t fabulous without the boots. We really must find you some.
Eric: There was a pretty girl! She sang to me! I totally am not hallucinating!
Grimsby: Come along, Eric.
Ariel: *sigh* He’s so dreamy.
*Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Ursula, the Drag Queen of the Deep!*
Ursula: She’s in love with a human! That’s pretty funny. Somehow his being a prince makes this better for me, although how I can’t really say. Time to get cracking on an evil scheme!
*Now, the dressing room of the Daughters of Triton...*
DoT: Ariel, get the hell out of the bathroom. You’ve been in there all day!
Ariel: (dreamily) Sure....
King Triton: What’s with her?
DoT: She’s in L-O-V-E. We know all about it, seeing as we’re women.
King Triton: In love? Who with? I’m basically the only merman here.
DoT: Beats us.
*Cut to Sebastian, pacing, and Ariel, playing “He loves me, He loves me not” with some sort of strange underwater flower.*
Sebastian: Stop Dat! Dis is serious.
Ariel: HE LOVES ME! THIS FLOWER PROVES IT! I have to see him again. We’ll go right now!
Sebastian: Woman! You will stay right here! Everything is better unda da sea. Listen to dees mismatched fish tell you all about it.
*A bunch of fish who would never live in the same space help Sebastian convince Ariel the sea is the best place to be. Ariel swims away.*
Sebastian: Nuts.
*Sebastian is called to the palace.*
King Triton: Tsk Tsk Sebastian. It isn’t nice to keep secrets. When I told you to babysit Ariel, I actually meant spy on her for me. I thought we understood each other?
Sebastian: I’m sorry sire! I told her not to! “Humans are bad news, mon” I told her.
King Triton: HUMANS? How would that even work? Is the girl soft in the head?
Sebastian: I don’t know, sire.
*Cut to Ariel and Flounder*
Flounder: Got you a present.
Ariel: YAY! Whatisitwhatisitwhatisit?
Flounder: Ta Da!
*They open the hoarder cave to reveal Eric’s birthday statue in the middle.*
Ariel: It looks just like him! Soooooo beautiful.
Flounder: I totally got this for you. It didn’t just happen to fall in here, I totally made effort!
*Ariel is not listening.*
Ariel: Why Eric, run away with you? This is all so...sudden.
*King Triton comes in, pissed.*
King Triton: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Ariel: Daddy, I....
King Triton: Humans are evil!
Ariel: I love him!
King Triton: The only way to teach you anything is to destroy things!
*He smashes up everything.*
King Triton: Now you think about what you did.
Ariel: But I-!
*He leaves, stalker eels come in*
Flotsam/Jetsam: Hey, we have an idea. Come with us to the magical, the mystical, the marvelous UR-SU-LA! She’ll make all your problems disappear.
Ariel: Um...okay. Sounds like a good idea.
*She follows the creepy eels, hypnotized by their weird eyes because everyone knows snakes can do that and eels are just underwater snakes, right?*
Ursula: So, you want to get out of Daddy’s house and marry your handsome prince? I see only one way for this to happen...I’ll make you a porn star!
Ariel: I guess that helps...
Ursula: Thing is, I want you to pay me with your voice.
Ariel: So, how’s that work exactly? Are you going to cut my tongue out or something?
Ursula: No, no honey...that’s in the story. I’m just going to make my magic make it go away and into this shell.
Ariel: Okay...wait, if I can’t talk or sing or anything how will I make him love me?
Ursula: Who’re you kidding? Men don’t want a lady who talks. You’ll have the body of a porn star. Just use body language.
*She does a few pelvic thrusts that would make any Transylvanian jealous.*
Ariel: Sounds good to me.
Ursula: Now, you’ll only have 3 days to make princey-poo fall in love with you. He’s gotta... kiss you before the sun sets on the third day. If not, I turn you into one of these freaky people plants!
Ariel: Wait, that’s cheating! We’re going by 24 hour days and it is clearly somewhere between mid-morning and mid-afternoon. You aren’t giving me a full 72 hours!
Ursula: Time works differently up there....
Ariel: Oh, okay.
Ursula: *aside* Pft, this kid really is dumb.
Ariel: What was that?
Ursula: Nothing, hon. Now, sign this shiny contract. There is nothing Faustian about this at all....
Ariel: Sure
*She signs. She gives Ursula her voice. She is turned into a naked human girl. Flounder and Sebastian somehow manage to get her to the surface.*
Flounder: Is anyone else uncomfortable by Ariel’s state of undress?
Everyone: A little....
*A wild scuttle appears*
Scuttle: Woah! You look HOT! What’d you do, fix your hair?
Sebastian: She’s got legs, you idiot. She traded her voice to the sea b-witch for legs. Jeez, mon.
Flounder: She has to make the prince fall in love with her.
Scuttle: Yeah, okay. Sounds good to me. But she’s gonna have to dress sexy for him. Human men don’t like their girls naked. They prefer them to wear... (he pulls out a sail and some rope) this!
Ariel: Mmmph?!
Scuttle: I know, hot right?
Flounder: I think she meant, “what?!”
Scuttle: Trust me, I’m a doctor.
Flounder: Wow, why do we keep humoring this guy?
Sebastian: I have no idea.
*Ariel walks around on baby deer legs for a bit, gets dressed somehow in the sail, and panics as Max, the exuberant dog runs up, Eric tagging behind.*
Eric: What is it boy?
Max: IT’S A MERMAID BUT WITH LEGS AND SHE’S THE ONE WHO SAVED YOU!
Eric: A girl? Maybe it’s the girl I’m looking for!
Ariel: *nods*
Eric: You are! What’s your name.
Ariel: *tries to speak, no sound comes out*
Eric: You can’t be, clearly you’re permanently mute. There is no way you could possibly have laryngitis or hysterical muteness or anything, even though you’ve clearly just come out of the ocean.
Ariel: *does some hand motions that really aren’t clear*
Eric: You need to be rescued? Well, you’re in luck! I’m a prince! That’s sort of my job, damsels in distress.
*They walk off towards his palace. Cut to Ariel in the bathtub with bubbles. Lots of maids are gossiping and washing her/her “clothes”/other stuff.*
Maid: Well, I think it’s a bit odd...but to each weirdo his own. Personally I think he’s a bit old for her but...
*Cut to Dining Room. Eric and Grimsby are having a heart to heart.*
Grimsby: Face it, Eric. You’re losing it. There is no “mysterious girl” who saved you. It is more likely some rogue porpoise.
Eric: Dude, I would never fall in love with a porpoise.
Grimsby: I’m just saying...
*Ariel enters in a dress that seems vaguely familiar...*
Grimsby: Don’t you look lovely.
Eric: Pretty sexy...
*They sit down to eat. Ariel sees a fork and, still being brainwashed by Scuttle, begins to comb her hair with it. She stops when the two men stare at her like she’s crazy. Then she takes Grimsby’s pipe, blows on it, and sends ashes into his face. Eric laughs.*
Eric: She’s crazy but boy is that good for my schadenfreude.
Grimsby: Ha ha, very funny.
*Cut to a French guy. We know he’s French because he’s murmuring frenchy things under his breath and is in a kitchen. Plus his name is Louis.*
Louis: Cuisine, Champs Elysees, Maurice Chevalier!
Disney: Surely the audience of six year old girls will have no idea what he’s saying! We’re just going to overlook the fact that he sounds like he has some weird form of Tourette’s and that one of the things we’ve mentioned is a man who is famous for singing a song about little girls.
*What follows is a song about how much French people love fish, which is a lot, with a bit of gratuitous French thrown in for effect. Also, a chase between Louis and Sebastian to can-can music that puts Louis firmly in the place of “comic villain” where the French belong.*
*Back in the dining room, everyone looks uncomfortable as lots of noise comes from the kitchen. We get the feeling this is not an uncommon occurrence.*
Grimsby: Perhaps you’d like to take this weird girl on a tour of the kingdom you are prince of? Not that there seems to be a king...the king’s job is too boring for a movie, all that ruling. The prince can just goof off all day, as you soon shall!
Eric: Sounds great to me!
*The next morning they go on a tour of the kingdom. They do all kinds of things and Ariel loves them all. Flounder is impatient and keeps asking if he’s kissed her yet as if he was a child on a long car ride.*
Flounder: Did he kiss her yet?
Sebastian: No! We aren’t any closer than when you asked me two seconds ago!
*The day comes to a close as Eric and Ariel are in a rowboat in a lagoon.*
Sebastian: Hey mon, kiss her already.
Flounder: Get on with it!
*Various animals start singing. Perhaps they would’ve had more luck with this? The stalker eels tip the boat over, something most movies assure me is just more likely to result in a kiss.*
*Now, once again, Ursula!*
Ursula: Darn, that was close. Apparently my misleading comments about men liking silent girls weren’t actually that far off. Now, to make myself a woman! No expensive surgery needed, just a magic potion.
*She becomes a lady too, but one who can sing with Ariel’s voice. Eric, gullible fool he is, proposes after about a second, even though she could (and is) the most horrible choice ever. Ariel wakes up to find the prince is getting married.*
Scuttle: Damn, girl, you work fast! The prince is getting married!
Sebastian: What de hell, mon?
Scuttle: Yep, it’s true! Ariel, why didn’t you tell us?
Ariel: Mmmph.
Scuttle: Oh, I forgot! You can’t talk!
Sebastian: No, you idiot. The prince never proposed.
*Ariel runs downstairs to see Eric with another woman *le gasp**
Grimsby: Don’t you think you’re rushing into this?
Eric: (monotonously) No, Grimsby. I love...Vanessa.
Vanessa/Ursula: We’re in love, sweet cheeks. We want to have our wedding NOW!
Grimsby: But...the preparations!
Eric: Now, Grimsby.
*Ariel runs off crying*
*Cut to the wedding ship. Clearly they’ve forgotten the last party on a ship, one that ended in disaster and only happened a few days ago. Ariel cries on the pier.*
Vanessa: Ladida, I’m getting married. I wonder what I’ll do with him afterwards...it isn’t as if I really liked him. I guess I’ll probably kill him...oh well.
*She looks in the mirror and Scuttle, who happens to be casually passing by, sees her reflection in the mirror.*
Scuttle: ARIEL, HE’S MARRYING THE SEA WITCH!
Sebastian: Why would he do dat?
Scuttle: No, she looks like Vanessa but she’s really Ursula!
Sebastian: Why should we believe you?
Scuttle: Do you have a choice?
Flounder: We never did....
*They organize. Ariel and Flounder go off to the boat, Scuttle sets out to stall the wedding, and Sebastian goes off to do what he does best, tattle.*
Priest: Focus on the animal mayhem, everyone, not my unfortunately placed knee!
Vanessa: Animals suck!
*Animals attack her, the shell with Ariel’s voice breaks, Ariel, who has just arrived can sing again. All rejoice.*
Eric: Ariel? You can talk? I was not expecting that!
Ariel: Yes, you idiot. Now let’s be happy!
Ursula: Nope, too late. Sun’s down. You’re half fish again!
Eric: What the hell?
Ursula: Too bad, so sad.
*She’s back to her scary octopus self. Everyone freaks out, understandably.*
King Triton: Let her go!
Ursula: No dice. She’s mine. Should’ve listened to your daddy, Princess.
King Triton: Screw contracts! They’re just paper!
Ursula: Actually, here the law actually matters. Can’t break it. But I’ll consider a swap....
King Triton: Sure, I see no problem with that.
*He signs, is turned into the creepy human plant, Ursula has his power and gets big.*
Eric: I can’t lose her again! I must jump into the shallow ocean, unprepared for the magical world I am now suddenly aware of!
Ariel: This is not how I pictured this turning out...
*Stuff happens, Ursula gets hit with a harpoon, accidentally murders her stalker eels, Eric gets a pointy boat.*
Boat: Stabbity!
Ursula: OUCH! THAT HURT!
Lightning: Zappity!
Ursula: Well, this sucks.
*Ursula is dead. Everything is back to normal.*
King Triton: Should I just give in to my whiny, disobedient teenage daughter’s wishes?
Sebastian: I don’t see why not.
*He makes Ariel human again, this time giving her a very shiny dress.*
Ariel: Daddy! Yay!
Eric: Ooo, baby you look hot!
Ariel: Let’s get married!
*Not learning his lesson, Eric marries her right away. Ariel’s dress looks really familiar now...*
King Triton: Did we ever learn how old he was?
Sebastian: No, sire.
King Triton: Oh well, it’s magic so it isn’t creepy at all, right?
Disney: Now to write the one where they make a baby!
Everyone: Really? She’s sixteen! I can’t see this backfiring on society at all...
The End
